DNA REPORT: Obama has Conservative Gene

CWT, Washington, D.C. A knowledgeable source inside the National Institutes of Health revealed to reporters at CWT's Capitol Bureau the details of a genetic map confirming President Barack Obama has the recently identified "conservative gene" as part of his unique DNA profile.

"When the liberal gene was identified in 2010, we logically assumed there would be a corresponding conservative marker," our source, requesting complete anonymity,  reported to CWT; "When we began our search for the conservative gene, we did not request blood samples from the President, nor did we know his blood was in the control group. Had someone - and we don't know who - not left a flash drive activated on a common terminal, we never would have found out."

The "liberal gene" made headlines in late 2010, and was reported in the October '10 issue of Science Daily:

ScienceDaily (Oct. 28, 2010) — Liberals may owe their political outlook partly to their genetic make-up, according to new research from the University of California, San Diego, and Harvard University. Ideology is affected not just by social factors, but also by a dopamine receptor gene called DRD4. The study's authors say this is the first research to identify a specific gene that predisposes people to certain political views.

Repeated calls from CWT staffers requesting confirmation of the report remain unreturned by The National Institutes of Health.  When asked by CWT's Capitol correspondent why he chose to come forward with evidence of the newly discovered conservative gene in President Obama's DNA, our source responded:

"Who ordered the President's blood to be tested for conservative tendencies? Who left his identity open on a common computer? That's no coincidence by any stretch of the imagination, so I decided to go public with the information."

CWT posed those questions to our Congressional liaison on Capitol Hill - our contact responded, off the record:

       "This is the first I've heard of the conservative gene, and I certainly had no idea the   President's DNA contained one - it would explain some very strange goings on around the House and Senate lately, though."

CWT's correspondent asked our contact why the President's DNA would have been submitted for testing and who could have been responsible for submitting it:

     "That's a pretty brazen move, going up against the President; it would take someone with a hell of a motive and a ticking-time-bomb, testosterone-fueled ego. The only individual I know meeting those criteria is former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. It's no secret she's been apoplectic over the pasting her Democrats suffered in November; she lost her position as Speaker and word is she blames the President for all of it - I wouldn't put it past her; she's been a holy terror around the city since the Republican victory. We're embarrassed  to eat with her any more; she demands we all have the same entree at lunch or dinner and pounds a gavel on the table if anyone dares order a la carte."

Reports from our CWT Judicial Branch insider confirm something has the House and Senate rank and file running for cover. Our Washington D.C. district court contact revealed:

     "We've been inundated with motions to prevent the release of Democratic House and Senate members' blood test/DNA results - craziest thing I've every seen; it's a train wreck. When the liberal gene was identified back in October, Democrats were throwing each other off the sidewalk to get a positive liberal gene DNA profile - wanting to be first on the block with biological ideology, I guess. Now that word of a conservative gene is out, they'll sell their grandmas to make sure no one gets a chance to scan their profiles for "Republican contamination." I haven't seen this many motions to suppress since Clinton was in office - there's a boatload of happy attorneys ordering new Mercedes and a whole lot of quaking Democrats afraid to go to the doctor."

CWT asked one of President Obama's  Chicago colleagues if any conservative tendencies were obvious in his early political career:

   "Now that you mention it, there were a couple of things," the former Obama co-worker revealed, on condition he remain anonymous; "He always maintained the liberal party line in conversation, but sometimes his actions didn't match the rhetoric. Years ago, we organized a Chicago 'Socialists Are People, Too' rally - his job was to distribute copies we made of Marx's work to everyone as they arrived. He set up a little booth at the entrance, like a lemonade stand - the sign read "Not Much Capital for Das Kapital! Half Off Today Only!'  I know he made a tidy profit. Years later, I went by his house and found him standing in front of the hall mirror, almost in a trance - he kept repeating, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!' I told him flat out, if Soros or the union hoods ever got wind of it, he could kiss his campaign money goodbye. I guess he couldn't help himself - he loved Reagan."

CWT requested an opinion from our in-house political/legal counsel, Tickman Scribe, regarding the effects a consevative gene might have on President Obama and America's future:

    "If the report pans out, it's a bombshell," Scribe offered; "it's the classic nature-or-nurture argument played out on the world stage for the highest stakes. We'll have a President who, on the one hand, grew up with constant liberal/socialist input from parents and relatives, but, if the report holds true, has a biological makeup fighting to toss all that communism out with the recycling." 

Scribe continued: "As regards immediate policy decisions, however, I don't think we'll really see anything different from the President; the proof of a conservative gene would just shed some light on why he's been frustrating his own party - you know, passing Obama care then backing off, playing kissy-face with the jihadists one minute and bombing the bejesus out of them the next, barking that he's union-boy, then hiding under a rock when they trash Wisconsin. He's obviously a very conflicted individual - one part of him cries 'Workers of the World Unite,' and the other wants a Swiss bank account and an ETrade subscription.

Unfortunately, it's our money he can't figure out what to do with."