CWT, Miami. A confidential CWT source inside the Bahamian Defense Ministry claims that country is now in possession of a fully operational medium range nuclear ballistic missile. The source, who requests his identity be withheld, says the weapon was offloaded under cover of darkness at the cargo terminal in Freeport, Grand Bahama Island, and currently remains in the bulk freight terminal while the government searches for enough willing workers to move it. The Bahamas has no army or air force; the defense of the country is the responsibility of the The Royal Bahamas Defense Force, consisting only of the Bahamian Navy - as the missile is a land based mobile surface to surface weapon, our source reports intense finger pointing and recriminations among government officials responsible for the acquisition.
"Look here, man," a local vendor insisted, "you see anybody here but me? No you don't. Recession done killed my business - I say we point 'dat bomb at the Virgin Islands and let'er go - blow 'em up - then all the tourists have to come here!" The bleak economic conditions seemed to influence what many native Bahamians thought of their new status as a nuclear power. "Get that Merv Griffin fella to buy it and start another theme park," opined an unemployed casino worker; "Who has a live bomb park? Nobody, that's who. You open 'dat thing for tourists, you'll have'ta beat'em off with a stick - you could give out them little blinky badges, so the kids'll know if they're getting nuked - kids love that stuff."
Others held an opposite view and were not happy being atomic islanders; "How long it took us to get the British outta here so we could finally chill out?'' asked an angry housewife; "now we got this bomb and the Russians, Chinese, who-knows-who, gonna be all over us talking all that jibber-jabber; we gonna have working group this, committee that - no thank you, sir. If I wanted that nonsense, I'd move to France - I'm tryin' to relax."
CWT reporters' calls and emails for confirmation to both the U.S. State Department and the Bahamian Consul in Miami went unanswered. A U.S. intelligence officer familiar with the region told CWT off the record, " I'm all for it; maybe we can pull the same trick with that Iranian nut job, Ahma - Dinnerjacket - he and Kim Jong could bunk together and eventually have a tragic parasailing accident. Anyway, it's just one bomb - they'll probably misplace it or break it"
CWT's legal analyst, Tickman Scribe, believes, "It's just not a game changer - I think they'll sell it, probably to the U.S. What else are they going to do? They could always point it at D.C. and demand a GM-sized bailout, but who wants their whole population on the no-fly list? I think they'll have a couple of months of parties to gloat about it, but they'll eventually put it on the market it so they can go back to happy hour."