The Bahamas has the Bomb

CWT, Miami. A confidential CWT source inside the Bahamian Defense Ministry claims that country is now in possession of a fully operational medium range nuclear ballistic missile. The source, who requests his identity be withheld, says the weapon was offloaded under cover of darkness at the cargo terminal in Freeport, Grand Bahama Island, and currently remains in the bulk freight terminal while the government searches for enough willing workers to move it. The Bahamas has no army or air force; the defense of the country is the responsibility of the The Royal Bahamas Defense Force, consisting only of the Bahamian Navy - as the missile is a land based mobile surface to surface weapon, our source reports intense finger pointing and recriminations among government officials responsible for the acquisition.

CWT's informant is unsure how the Bahamian Commonwealth plans to utilize their new missile; "What the hell we gonna do with a bomb? We don't have any enemies - I guess we'll have to go get some." The U.S. State Department Consular Report for the Bahamas bears out our sources conclusion:

The Bahamas is a developed, English-speaking Caribbean nation composed of hundreds of islands covering a territory approximately the size of California. Tourism and financial services comprise the two largest sectors of the economy. Independent from the United Kingdom since 1973, The Bahamas is a Commonwealth nation with more than a century-old democratic tradition.

According to documents provided to CWT by our source, the missile is a North Korean clone of the Russian Soviet era SS-4 with an effective range of 2000 kilometers. "Kim Jong Ill presented us with this gift in hopes we will reciprocate with asylum for him in the future," our Bahamian contact divulged; "He's pretty well wrecked his country; he's getting ready to turn that trash heap over to his son and get the hell outta there - he wants a sunny hideout with Cinemax and flowery shirts. I don't like him; he's a crazy midget."

The Bahamas has strong bilateral relationships with the United States and the United Kingdom, represented by an ambassador in Washington and High Commissioner in London. The Bahamas also associates closely with other nations of the Caribbean Community (CARICOM). The Bahamas has an ambassador to Haiti and works closely with the United States and CARICOM on political and migration issues related to Haiti. The Bahamas has diplomatic relations with Cuba, including embassies in each other's capitals. A repatriation agreement was signed with Cuba in 1996, and there are commercial and cultural contacts between the two countries. The Bahamas also enjoys a strengthening relationship with China. The Commonwealth of The Bahamas became a member of the United Nations in 1973 and the Organization of American States in 1982.

Reporters from CWT's Miami station traveled to Freeport to gauge the reaction of the population.
"Look here, man," a local vendor insisted, "you see anybody here but me? No you don't. Recession done killed my business - I say we point 'dat bomb at the Virgin Islands and let'er go - blow 'em up - then all the tourists have to come here!" The bleak economic conditions seemed to influence what many native Bahamians thought of their new status as a nuclear power. "Get that Merv Griffin fella to buy it and start another theme park," opined an unemployed casino worker; "Who has a live bomb park? Nobody, that's who. You open 'dat thing for tourists, you'll have'ta beat'em off with a stick - you could give out them little blinky badges, so the kids'll know if they're getting nuked - kids love that stuff."
Others held an opposite view and were not happy being atomic islanders; "How long it took us to get the British outta here so we could finally chill out?'' asked an angry housewife; "now we got this bomb and the Russians, Chinese, who-knows-who, gonna be all over us talking all that jibber-jabber; we gonna have working group this, committee that - no thank you, sir. If I wanted that nonsense, I'd move to France - I'm tryin' to relax."

CWT reporters' calls and emails for confirmation to both the U.S. State Department and the Bahamian Consul in Miami went unanswered. A U.S. intelligence officer familiar with the region told CWT off the record, " I'm all for it; maybe we can pull the same trick with that Iranian nut job, Ahma - Dinnerjacket - he and Kim Jong could bunk together and eventually have a tragic parasailing accident. Anyway, it's just one bomb - they'll probably misplace it or break it"

CWT's legal analyst, Tickman Scribe, believes, "It's just not a game changer - I think they'll sell it, probably to the U.S. What else are they going to do? They could always point it at D.C. and demand a GM-sized bailout, but who wants their whole population on the no-fly list? I think they'll have a couple of months of parties to gloat about it, but they'll eventually put it on the market it so they can go back to happy hour."