United Kingdom to Petition World Court for Return of Original 13 U.S. Colonies

CWT, London, England. A confidential source inside the United Kingdom Office of the Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs reports that Her Majesty's ministers are finalizing a petition to the United Nations World Court for the return of the original 13 English colonies in the United States lost as a result of the American War for Independence. CWT's contact, who asked their name be withheld, told our reporter at London Station, " the ministers are absolutely giddy with anticipation of a favorable decision - they appear confident the petition will stand on the legal merits and believe the much maligned U.N. is ready to stick it to the U.S. if given the opportunity."

When asked by our CWT London Bureau why England would consider such a provocative move against a long time ally, our confidential contact reported, " We British never got over losing the colonies - oh, I know the history; Churchill, Roosevelt, and all that, but we have always subconsciously regarded you Americans as little more than recalcitrant adolescents - evidently the current government and Her Majesty feel the time is ripe to right a wrong that has festered in the British psyche for over 200 years. I also have it on good authority that the Queen grows ever more tired of the English damp and is keen on a second seat of Royal power at Myrtle Beach."

The American Revolution (1775–83), was a conflict between 13 British colonies on the eastern seaboard of North America and their parent country, Great Britain. France later intervened as an ally of the independent states, and the war resulted in the colonies becoming a separate nation, the United States of America. It is also known as the American War of Independence. The end of the Seven Years’ War (1756–63), which had its North American beginning in 1754 and was known in America as the French and Indian War, resulted in the final expulsion of France both from the continent of North America and from India. In both cases French power was replaced by that of Great Britain. As a result, Britain became the preeminent power in the western hemisphere and supreme on the high seas. It enjoyed an enormous and growing volume of maritime commerce. Britain’s king, George III, who had succeeded to the throne in 1760, was determined to play an active role in governing the nation. Due to the king’s ineptitude, however, the result was political instability and a lack of direction in national affairs at the same time that Britain’s crisis with its American colonies developed.

" From what I can gather from the drafts I have read," our source continued, " the basis for the legal argument before the World Court will be King George III possessing the intellect of a peahen - when he usurped the power of Parliament and levied taxes on the colonies, it was, in fact, an illegal act without the consent of the elected body. Had George III been but marginally more cognizant than a boulder, there would have been no colonial uprising."

CatsWithThumbs London reporters confronted several barristers and an unidentified Ministry employee exiting Whitehall after what is believed to have been a closed door meeting to finalize the World Court petition. When asked to confirm reports of the petition to recover the 13 colonies from the United States, the barristers repeated "No comment." The unidentified Ministry employee replied, " I have no knowledge of the petition we are drafting and have nothing but the highest regard for the citizens of our 13 English colonies." The unidentified employee was quickly ushered away from our reporters and in to a waiting limousine.

Officials at the United Nations International Court of Justice, The Hague, Netherlands, would neither confirm nor deny the existence of the reported pending petition when questioned by CWT's Scandinavian Bureau: "It is our policy never to comment on pending matters before the court, which is not to say the pending petition is actually a pending matter." A high ranking U.N. World Court Officer, speaking only on condition his name be withheld, would only say, " The villa in the Hamptons was a gift from my parents and is in no way connected to the petition in question, if such a petition were to actually exist."

CatsWithThumbs asked our in-house legal counsel, Tickman Scribe, to analyze the motivation for such a petition and the chances it could be granted and verified by the U.N. World Court: " Well, on the face of it, it seems preposterous, but these are tough economic times and that could be a motivation for this petition; a deal could have already been done. The American midwest is suffering high unemployment and loss of automotive jobs - you give the 13 colonies back to England and you'll have a ton of folks moving out, and a lot of them will end up in Detroit, Chicago, etc., just in time to breathe some life into the dying American rust belt. Some will stay in the colonies, but they will be mostly college professors and dentists anticipating a surge of new English business."

As to the validity of the reported petition, Scribe asserts, " Declarations of independence are not recognized legal documents, never have been. You get your independence when enough powerful countries recognize you, then the rest of the world goes along. On the face of it, the United Kingdom does have a case - King George III of England was a documented idiot, and most historians agree had it not been for his unprecedented buffoonery, there would have been no revolt in the colonies, and thus, no United States of America. Even if the petition exists and is approved by the World Court, what then? How does the Obama administration plan to convince millions of Americans to accept British rule or move? I mean, he's pretty slick, but we're not talking about winning over a hundred google-eyed college freshman on this one."

Next Week: CatsWithThumbs asks the American People, " Do You Want to be English? "