Cats with Thumbs: May 2008

CWT, Along the Rio Grande, Texas. A month long on-site investigation by Cats With Thumbs field reporters confirms illegal immigrants from Mexico are being launched over the border in increasing numbers by a massive catapult. U.S. Border Patrol agents on location along the Texas-Mexico border have dubbed the device "Jose Cuer-throw" and are at a loss for an effective countermeasure. "Beats anything I've ever seen," a confidential Border Patrol contact told our CWT reporter at the scene; "one minute you're minding your own business walking the fence line, next thing you know a family of four comes sailing overhead at better than 80 miles an hour. By the time we get to where we think they should have landed, they are long gone."

CWT reporters traveled to Mexico and were granted exclusive access to the inventors and operators of the unorthodox immigration initiative. Although unwilling to give their names or be photographed, the two young Americans spearheading "Gringo Air," as they call it, were forthcoming and candid with our Cats With Thumbs team. Both men, in their late twenties, are engineering graduates from top U.S. universities. "We don't have an agenda for or against illegal immigration," Gringo "A" told our reporter, "we just like catapults." Gringo "B" added, " There wasn't a lot of grant money out there for catapult development - the Air Force wasn't looking for a 'smart slingshot.' We evaluated the Mexican immigration dynamic and realized we could fill a need and make a profit."

The two "Gringos" would not reveal the catapult design specifics to our CWT reporters, but allowed they coordinate with a stateside "catch team" using calibrated GPS devices, up to the minute wind data, and a military grade "landing net."

"There was some initial resistance from the locals when we first set up shop, " Gringo "A" continued, "No one was too keen on being thrown over the border - we had to pay a few volunteers to give it a shot, and after the first couple of casualties we've had a perfect throw -to- catch performance ratio."

"Gringo Air" charges 100.00USD per person per "flight;" the fees are usually paid to the "catch team" by relatives of the prospective "passengers" already in the United States. "It's a lot less expensive than paying a middleman thousands of dollars to walk you for 3 days through the desert with only a slim margin of success," Gringo "B" told our CWT reporters; "we offer a money back guarantee - when you sign up with Gringo Air, you'll be over the border and in the U.S.A. in 20 seconds or less - and have fun getting there!"

Cats With Thumbs contact at the U.S. Border Patrol was not as enthusiastic. "They have a good little system, are very mobile, and pretty sneaky," our inside source admitted; "they can get that contraption up and down quickly, and even when we do spot it on radar the Mexican authorities are no help at all - we can show you video of the Mexican police actually helping raise the catapult and having cerveza celebrations after each launch." Safety considerations are the biggest worry - according to our contact, "that money back guarantee is a crock - if something goes wrong you won't be in any position to collect; more than likely I'll be digging you out of the dirt or peeling you off a cactus, if the buzzards don't find you first."

Despite the dangers, several recent "Gringo Air" customers interviewed by our Cats With Thumbs team expressed satisfaction with the service. "It was quick and easy," a new landing told our reporter, on condition he remain anonymous; " I was a little scared at first; my cousin was one of the first ones over - they had a little wind shear and, well, it wasn't too pretty. But the U.S. medical care is top-notch and the Gringo Air guys got the problem fixed." Other "fliers" also spoke highly of their experiences; " the net team here in the States was very cordial and customer service oriented," another new arrival told CWT; " they gave us our fake papers, rolled up the net, put us in the truck, and off we went. They even had snacks - you don't get those on many airlines these days."

A father who flew over with his wife and son told our Cats With Thumbs reporter, "it was fantastic. Our boy loved it so much he wanted to go back and do it again! I had to tell him 'hey, you're in America now - we can go to Six Flags!'