Aliens Make Contact, Request "No Further Communication"

CWT - Hat Creek, CA. A confidential Cats With Thumbs source at the SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) Allen Telescope Array confirmed to our reporter several messages originating from at least 25,000 light years away were received on December 18, 2007 at the Hat Creek monitoring station and verified by SETI scientists at the University of California, Berkley:

" This should have been a red-letter day for SETI and the Nation," our source confided on condition he remain anonymous; " instead, we finally hear from intelligent beings outside our solar system and they tell us to stop bothering them. To put it bluntly, they think we're crackpots."

The SETI mission, according to their website " is a passive experiment, designed only to look for signals, not to send them. However, humankind has been unintentionally transmitting signals into space - primarily high-frequency radio, television, and radar - for more than fifty years. Our earliest TV broadcasts have reached several thousand nearby stars, although any alien viewers would have to build a very large antenna (thousands of acres in size) to detect them." Our source at the Allen Telescope Array believes " that's the problem. We've spent millions on equipment to listen for alien broadcasts, but we don't send any messages - now our first received message from an intelligent species indicates they have been receiving American cable TV for 10 years and they are not happy about it."

According to our source, the communication was received " in plain English, with no need for decoding - apparently phonetics is not a big hurdle for them. " A transcript of the interstellar message obtained by Cats With Thumbs contains no threatening overtones or warning of consequences, but states, " while we appreciate your efforts to reach out to your neighbors, we politely request you cease attempts at communication and dialogue with our civilization." It is evident from the language and references contained in the message that United States cable television signals were the only broadcasts from earth received by our " space neighbors." The informant inside SETI lamented, " What are they supposed to think? They don't get a broadcast of the constitution, the U.N. charter, or Save the Children because our policy is not to send messages, just sit around and listen for them. Evidently the cable TV signals flying off into space are the easiest for them to receive, and unfortunately the most useless programming has the strongest signal. We have succeeded in convincing an intelligent civilization outside our solar system that we are galactic nimrods."

The content of this first contact with another intelligent species seems to bear out our source's concerns. From the message transcript:

" While we make no judgement on the effectiveness, or lack thereof, of your method of governance, the policy of publicly berating the citizenry as practiced by your leader, Simon Cowell, is contrary to our inclusive and benign sensibilities - we would prefer you refrain from transmitting further examples to us."

Other references in the communication leave little doubt the alien entities believe the cable television signals they received were intentionally transmitted and crafted purposely to represent the meaningful aspects of American life:

" Furthermore, your governing council seems preoccupied with individual family disagreements and various reproductive methods - while our civilization in no way discounts these concerns, our particular priorities focus on the economic and physical well being of our citizens. We would greatly appreciate your discontinuing broadcasts of said council meetings - particularly tiresome to us are the constant references to 'my baby's daddy' and 'in-laws from hell.' "

CWT's SETI contact told our reporter, " We're scrambling to put together a more appropriate representation of our nation and transmit it to our new found friends; but we don't know if they will receive it - we're probably on their version of a 'do not call' list by now. Also, we pinpointed the spot in space from where this message was transmitted, but there is nothing there; some method of masking the original transmission point was employed - apparently their technology is quite advanced and they have no desire for us to track them down and eventually pay them a visit."

The "message from the stars" contains no overtly derogatory opinion of the American system as understood by whoever sent it, but it is clear from the transcript the television signals received by the first known intelligence outside our solar system did little to impress:

"From the messages you have been transmitting to us, we understand it is important to your culture to 'be at a good place with yourself' and obtain public counseling for intimate affairs. This concept is particularly unsettling to us and is incompatible with our civilization's concept of privacy and family decorum - again, we pass no judgement on your practice of revealing embarrassing flaws to strangers, but we would be very grateful if you would cease subjecting us to the daily broadcasts."

Although unintentional, it appears several of the television transmissions received by the intelligent beings beyond our galaxy are tantamount to profanity and racial slurs in their culture:

"We are a civilization based on numerical values - we realize, of course, that you had no way of knowing, but the values represented by your numerical '19.99' are particularly offensive to us; the translation in our communication refers to a sexual act with livestock that involves one's family members and food preparation utensils. We urgently request no further transmission."

The message concluded with an a final request to " please discontinue all transmission from the United States," and a request that someone in authority contact the country of Iceland, as the newly discovered intelligent beings believe, " they are a people we would like to get to know."

Ku Klux Klan Attempts Makeover, Americans "Unimpressed"

CWT - Aboard the Motor Vessel "Eva Braun" Somewhere in the South Atlantic. In an exclusive interview, exiled Grand Wizard of the White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan Absalom Knib revealed to Cats With Thumbs a long range plan to revamp and revitalize the moribund white supremacist terror organization. Knib told CWT he aims to make the KKK " more user friendly " and " in touch with the younger generation."

The Ku Klux Klan, with its long history of violence, is the most infamous — and oldest — of American hate groups. Although black Americans have typically been the Klan's primary target, it also has attacked Jews, immigrants, homosexuals and, until recently, Catholics. Over the years since it was formed in December 1865, the Klan has typically seen itself as a Christian organization, although in modern times Klan groups are motivated by a variety of theological and political ideologies. Since the 1970s the Klan has been greatly weakened by internal conflicts, court cases, a seemingly endless series of splits and government infiltration. While some factions have preserved an openly racist and militant approach, others have tried to enter the mainstream, cloaking their racism as mere "civil rights for whites." Today, the Southern Poverty Law Center estimates that there are between 5,000 and 8,000 Klan members, split among dozens of different — and often warring — organizations that use the Klan name.

Cats With Thumbs interviewed Mr. Knib aboard ship in the open ocean, as the Grand Wizard is under indictment in the United States for several felonies and has been denied entrance to numerous foreign ports of call.

CWT: Mr. Knib, given that klan membership has drastically declined and you, the leader, are relegated to living on the high seas without a country, wouldn't you agree the Ku Klux Klan is finished?

Knib: Well, it looks bad now, but we're not done yet. I got together with some old pals from Deutsche Bank and we came up with a plan to get us rolling again.

CWT: Incidents of racial and ethnic violence have steadily declined in the U.S. the past 20 years; people as a whole seem to be maturing - how can you expect the klan to make a comeback when hatred is less a part of the American psyche every day?

Knib: Boy, you don't know squat, do you? You think just 'cause nuthin's going "boom" there's no hate? Everybody still hates the same people they always have - we've just been busy. With the economy steamin' along like it has the past few years, everybody's been workin' - not much time left over for cross burnin' and bomb throwin'.

CWT: So you believe the economy has a lot to do with how people view each other? If everyone has a job they don't need to bully or blame someone else for their situation?

Knib: Huh?

CWT: Never mind. What exactly does the klan want to do?

Knib: We want the same things we always have - no Blacks, no Jews, no Catholics, no Gays, and no immigrants in America.

CWT: Well, judging from the decline in klan membership, it doesn't seem like the "we" is a very large number.

Knib: Oh no, you're wrong there. There's just as many good folks out there that hate Blacks, Jews, and Catholics as there ever was; you just don't see'em much. Problem is, the news media and those liberal (expletive deleted) have everyone thinkin' violence is bad for you, like cigarettes or somethin'.

CWT: Uh-huh. If that's the case, how can you expect klan membership to increase?

Knib: I'm glad you asked. We're gonna' start next week with a brand new community outreach drive - you know, get the locals involved. We've already sponsored quite a few Ku Klux Klan Adopt a Highway programs and several counties in Alabama and Georgia now have Klan Scouts of America troops. We'll be having bake sales, covered dish suppers, those sort of things all sponsored at the local level. A real family KKK atmosphere.

CWT: I see. If this plan does not accomplish your goals, would you concede the KKK is a defunct organization and give up your campaign of ethnic terrorism?

Knib: You're nuts - I can wait. So what if nobody gets on board? I can always float around on this tub 'till the economy tanks. Nuthin' like a good recession to get folks good and mad like they oughta' be.

IRS to Target Homeless "Scofflaws"

CWT - Washington, DC. A confidential Cats With Thumbs source inside the United States Internal Revenue Service reports a new IRS policy will focus on "generating additional tax revenue from citizens without a permanent address or domicile." The new initiative, detailed in an internal IRS white paper obtained by Cats With Thumbs, " will aggressively collect long overdue tax obligations from unreported panhandling, begging, and windshield washing incomes from those citizens who have thus far avoided payment by refusing to maintain a fixed address or location." The IRS source, who asked that his name be withheld, told CWT, " There's millions, maybe billions of undocumented dollars out there in those little bags and paper cups - we didn't go after it before because, frankly, the collection process would have been a little sticky. We think we now have a good operational plan to track the 'street revenue' and insure taxes due are paid"


The new IRS initiative is the culmination of a 5 year Internal Revenue Study on the "migratory and spending patterns of undomiciled citizens in major metropolitan areas." " We've recognized this as an undeveloped revenue stream for some time," the IRS insider told CWT; " we just couldn't get a handle on where all the mobile tax dodgers were hiding. The organizations with the best numbers and information on undomiciled citizens refused to provide us with the help we needed - the Red Cross, the Salvation Army, Catholic Charities; none of them would budge, so we tracked them down ourselves." The IRS plan, operation B.U.M.S. (Bold Undocumented Money Solutions), calls for the recruitment and training of 500 special IRS "Bum Busters." CWT's IRS source revealed details of the plan on condition he remain anonymous: "Look, it's not like these tax evaders were hard to track down; we were just never allocated the resources to do it. Once we got the green light for the pre-implementation study there was nothing to it. The undomiciled are usually in one of three places - on a public thoroughfare panhandling, en route to purchase inexpensive, unhealthy food, or at rest in a predetermined location - usually an easily accessible doorway, heating grate, or storefront."


As documented in the IRS white paper, the plan calls for the additional 500 agents to " interdict and collect tax revenue at the initial transaction point." CWT's source elaborated on the operational details: " These elusive tax evaders don't keep their money in a bank, or at any other permanent location - to achieve the optimum attempt to collection ratio we have to be there when they receive the income. Our agents will be in place on street corners and alleys in major metropolitan areas throughout the United States, watching and waiting. When an undomiciled receives income from a passing citizen or motorist we'll be right there to collect for the United States Treasury."


When asked by Cats With Thumbs if resources might be better used alleviating the "undomiciled" status of the target population, our source explained: " We're the Internal Revenue Service; we collect taxes. If these people would stop trying to run from us and get a house, we'd mail them a form. They are hiding income in small containers where they think we can't find it - all that is about to change. They will pay their fair share like everyone else, house or not."

On the Campaign Trail - Special to Cats With Thumbs

CWT - Cats With Thumbs Headquarters, Charleston, SC. Democratic and Republican Presidential candidates recently visited South Carolina to drum up support and energize their respective campaigns. Cats With Thumbs took advantage of the opportunity and hit the streets to get reactions and opinions from citizens across our home State. CWT will feature 4 of the front runners in each issue this week - here's what the people had to say:

Barack Obama

"How old is he? He looks like the kid that bags my groceries, and he always squishes my bread."

Ermeline Thelp, Charleston.

"I don't think my Mom likes him; I heard her say she'd like to throw down with him - he looks like the man that fixes things in the bedroom when Daddy isn't here."

Billy Farraday, Greenville.

"Too preachy. That's all he does - preach, preach, preach. We don't need a preacher in the White House."

Rev. Jesse Jackson, Ft.Mill

Hillary Clinton

"Seems qualified, but I was really hoping for a woman on the ticket this year."

Livonnia Preen, Aiken.

" Watch her face . . . she could break down and have a spittin' conniption any minute - I'm tellin' ya, that woman's clock is wound too tight and when the alarm goes off it won't be pretty."

Godfrey Whistle, Clemson.

" I wonder if she needs an intern? "

Monty Lewinski, Columbia.

John Edwards

" Oh . . . I thought he was the hotel manager - he seems very nice."

Crystal Pinch, North Augusta.

" How old is he? He looks like the kid that delivers the paper and he always throws it in the bushes."

Carmen Finster, Mt. Pleasant.

" Quite possibly the whitest man I have ever met."

Moses Singletary, Sullivan's Island.

Mike Huckabee

" Wasn't he on one of those kids' shows - 'Huckabee Hound' or something? I don't want a cartoon talking nukes with Putin."
Preston Squibb, Lancaster.

" He's OK, I guess, but he always seems like he'd rather be doing something else - like fishing or taking a nap."
Nora Whitesides, Myrtle Beach.

"Too preachy. That's all he does - preach, preach, preach. We don't need a preacher in the White House."
Pat Robertson, Spartanburg.

Animal Actors on Strike - Hollywood Scrambles to Find Replacements

CWT - Hollywood. Cats With Thumbs Los Angeles Bureau reports that members of the Professional Animal Workers Society (P.A.W.S.) have staged an industry wide strike to protest low wages, substandard food, and unacceptable housing. P.A.W.S. is believed to represent over 8000 mammals, reptiles, and amphibians working as actors in movies, television, and advertising; CWT was unable to verify the exact membership roll, as none of the P.A.W.S. public relations officers contacted by Cats With Thumbs were able to communicate in a known human dialect.

CWT learned of the unprecedented animal action from a source inside a major advertising firm that specializes in animal theme marketing campaigns. When questioned by Cats With Thumbs, the production assistant was adamant the animal union was on walkout: "We started setting up as usual yesterday morning - we had a cough drop spot to do with a pair of cockatoos and an online dating campaign using a cat & dog couple. None of the animals would cooperate; it's crazy! The cats are scratching anyone who comes near, the dogs won't do squat, the birds have ruined the parking lot, and I won't even tell you about the monkeys."

Cats With Thumbs confirmed earlier today that lists of P.A.W.S. demands were delivered via carrier pigeon to most of the major motion picture, television, and advertising studios in the city. CWT spoke with the CEO of a major Hollywood marketing firm, who asked that his name be withheld due to pending negotiations with the animal union: "We thought it was some kind of prank, what with the writers being on strike; this is just like something those out of work 'Colbert Report' idiots would do - but then we started getting calls from the other firms around town. The Bugs'n Birds Studio over on North Highland was shooting an environmental non-profit spot and 4000 bumble bees took out two forest rangers and a girl scout. I mean, how do you negotiate with angry bees?"

CWT asked a well known Hollywood veterinarian how such a coordinated effort could be accomplished when none of the P.A.W.S. rank and file are able to operate a telephone or keyboard: "Don't be so sure," the vet admonished Cats With Thumbs, "psychologists, veterinarians, and pet owners world wide have long suspected our four legged friends communicate in ways we can't begin to understand." Cats With Thumbs reporters on the scene in Hollywood witnessed what appeared to be well orchestrated action by P.A.W.S. walkouts. Two gerbils and a muskrat were heckled and mocked by a group of striking crows as they attempted to cross the picket line on the set of 'Dr. Doolittle XVI.' Across town, the popular GEICO gecko was chased down a sewer pipe by a mob of cats from the Fresh Step Kitty Litter crew.

An original copy of the P.A.W.S. list of demands obtained by Cats With Thumbs was written in scrawled block print English on a piece of partially shredded newspaper. CWT's original source told our reporter: "We're pretty sure an elephant over at the Travel Channel wrote this. Her handlers believe she knows the alphabet and they suspect she's been sending hate mail to the lion pens for years - management questioned her yesterday, but she's not talking." The P.A.W.S. demands include dressing rooms to replace pens & cages, the same catered meals afforded human actors, and a wage scale equal to that of the Screen Actors Guild (SAG). "I don't see how we can meet these," an industry executive told CWT in confidence; "the laws in place set strict guidelines for what each animal, er, actor is to be fed. Hell, if it was up to me, they could sit next to Mel Gibson and wolf down all the caeser salad and tuna tar-tar they could handle. How am I going to build a dressing room for a hippopotamus? As for getting SAG wages, well, OK, but they don't have bank accounts - they don't have Social Security Cards, they don't even have fingerprints!"

In a show of solidarity with their more famous comrades, zoo animals nationwide refused to come out of their enclosures, make endearing gestures, play with toys, or be otherwise entertaining. The only exceptions seemed to be aquarium dolphins and porpoises - CWT's veterinarian contact believes, "the striking animal actors won't hold that against them; it's common knowledge dolphins are not natural complainers."

U.S. Navy Donates F-14 Fighters to Greenpeace

CWT - San Francisco. A confidential source inside the Greenpeace environmental protection organization revealed to Cats With Thumbs the United States Navy will donate 6 recently decommissioned Grumman F-14 Tomcat multi-role strike fighter aircraft to help Greenpeace upgrade their whaling interdiction and self defense capabilities. A highly placed Greenpeace operative, speaking off the record, told CWT: "This will change our entire environmental defense paradigm - we've been taking it on the chin from the fishing conglomerates for years; it's a whole new ball game now." The U.S. Navy Public Affairs Office at Patuxent River, MD. refused to comment when contacted for verification by Cats With Thumbs. A U.S. Navy Captain involved with the final F-14 decommissioning spoke with CWT on condition his name be withheld: "It's a hell of an aircraft - Greenpeace is getting one of the finest supersonic strike platforms ever developed. I'm pretty sure any fishing fleet will get the message once a few of their tubs take a Phoenix missile broadside."














Greenpeace is an international environmental activist organization founded in 1971 with thousands of members and a well -funded political lobbying apparatus; Greenpeace advocates direct, non-violent confrontation when necessary to prevent damage to the earth's ecosystems. Worldwide media coverage of Greenpeace activists in small rubber boats being hosed, arrested, and capsized while trying to block fishing and whaling vessels has helped the organization publicize its efforts and gain crucial support for environmental protection campaigns.

Cats With Thumbs spoke with several veteran crew members from the Greenpeace vessel Arctic Sunrise with experience directly opposing whaling and fishing vessels. "It gets nasty out there," said an American who asked that his name not be revealed, "after awhile you get sick of just taking it when they knock you out of the boat with fire hoses or ram you; I can't wait to get these F-14s operational - the next time some rust bucket bottom fisher tries to get nasty, I'm calling in an air strike." Another longtime crew member told CWT, "we've been at this awhile and the fishing fleets have gotten used to us - we've become just a minor nuisance to them, like seagulls. Press coverage has also declined; the war in Iraq and the upcoming election are the big stories now. The first time one of our new 'Rainbow Tomcats' takes out a net-dragger we'll be back on the front pages."

CWT has learned from the same confidential source at Greenpeace that a group of 25 activists have secretly been training to fly the F-14 fighter at an undisclosed California location: " They are all very excited to be an integral part of taking environmental activism to the next level. Greenpeace has always been able to adapt interdiction capabilities as threats to ecosystems evolve - we can now take the fight to the enemy wherever they are, and we won't be showing up in a rubber dinghy."















None of the Eastern Rim fishing concerns contacted by Cats With Thumbs would go on the record with a response to the reported Greenpeace F-14 acquisition. Several fishing vessel captains spoke privately with CWT: "Are they crazy?" asked one incredulous fisherman, "I know they have a lot of pull, but if they put a hole in my boat they'll be fighting more than fishnets and old men. Hell, those guys can barely drive a rowboat - F-14s? I'll believe it when I see it." Others were not so sure - a captain with experience confronting Greenpeace said, "those greenpeacies are adrenaline junkies; I've seen'em attach signs to moving whales and try to gum up my props with toothpaste and superglue - it wouldn't surprise me a bit to see a couple of'em jump my butt in a fighter."

Greenpeace officials at the San Francisco office would neither confirm nor deny the F-14 report when contacted by Cats with Thumbs - the original anonymous source told CWT, " we are not taking an offensive posture with the fishing industry, but we will now be able to monitor their actions worldwide - if the need arises we will be equipped to defend marine life with extreme prejudice."

Illegal Immigrants Discovered Aboard International Space Station

CWT-Houston. Cats With Thumbs Texas Bureau has learned from a confidential source at the NASA Johnson Space Center that five illegal immigrants were discovered aboard the United States Space Shuttle Discovery soon after it docked with the International Space Station on October 25, 2007. The three Ukrainian and two Romanian nationals were found inside a Shuttle Discovery cargo pod used to transport supplies from the earth to the space station. All five stowaways had obtained and were wearing NASA standard issue pressure suits; CWT's inside source reported all five were in "good health and jolly spirits" when they were escorted from their hideaway.

According to internal documents obtained by CWT from NASA, all five men were employed without work authorization or visas by a company under contract with the NASA Kennedy Space Center at Cape Canaveral, Florida to maintain the grounds and landscaping near the shuttle launch gantry. A CWT contact inside NASA personnel revealed, " the landscaping company had been under investigation and all of the 'Space Station immigrants' had learned they would soon be detained and deported. I guess they figured 'what the hell.' I mean, who's going to go get them now?"

CWT obtained transcripts of satellite communications between the International Space Station and NASA Mission Control that reveal the five have been working aboard the space station since October 27th, "cleaning, doing the laundry, and taking out the trash" with no Space Station work permits - the transcripts also indicate they are being paid "substantially less" than the United States minimum hourly wage. The documents also detail a plan agreed upon by NASA, the European Space Agency, Japan, Canada, and Russia to "keep the whole thing quiet and ship them back to earth when we go back up for Shuttle Mission STS-122 in February."

When confronted with details of the communications, a senior NASA official would only speak to Cats With Thumbs off the record, on the condition his identity not be disclosed. "This is an unprecedented situation - the five 'visitors' asked for work the minute we popped the cork on the cargo pod and found them in there playing dominoes on a solar panel," the visibly disgruntled manager reported; "I mean, we're pretty short handed up there and there's a lot of tidying up that needs to be done on a daily basis - we've been under a lot of pressure from Congress to cut costs and those guys are hard little workers; they get right to it and never complain. What do you think, I'm gonna ask an astronaut with a doctorate to clean the toilet or make coffee?"

The immigration status of the five men is not known - they were all in violation of United States Homeland Security laws while working as undocumented aliens on earth, but there are apparently no provisions for deportation or extradition from outer space in the charter of the International Space Station. Although the American section of the ISS is considered United States territory, the Station is jointly administered by an international consortium - it is unclear if the "flying five," as they have been dubbed by the ISS crew, can be forced to return to earth against their will. The communications documents obtained by CWT suggest the Space Station astronauts would be happy for them to stay: " Leave'm here," one unidentified crew member told NASA mission control, " they keep out of the way and do what we tell them to. Once they have the dinner scraps cleaned up, they go back to their cargo pod to play chess and read poetry. We don't see'em unless we need'em"

One of the Ukrainian "space refugees" spoke with NASA after a week on board the ISS: "It's good, it's just fine up here. I have a computer so I can get Western Union online and send money home. The work is not too hard and it's nice and quiet. I don't like the Russian much, though."

The Department of Homeland Security refused official comment when contacted by Cats With Thumbs concerning the fate of the newest illegal immigrants. A U.S. State Department Consular official told CWT off the record, "It's an election year; ask Hillary and Rudy what they want to do with them. They can spin around in space washing dishes forever as far as I'm concerned."