White Rapper Files Racial Discrimination Lawsuit

CWT - Atlanta. Cats With Thumbs sources inside the Dekalb County, Georgia courthouse report white rap artist " Snack-Cracker " will file a civil lawsuit early next week claiming racial discrimination and violation of his civil rights. CWT's contacts say the suit will name KillEveryBodyNow Productions L.L.C. and company chairman Thomas Wilson as defendants.

According to Cats With Thumbs insiders, the suit will charge KillEveryBodyNow Productions and chairman Wilson with "conspiring to deny the plaintiff (Snack-Cracker) his constitutional right to equal consideration for employment," and "exclusion of Mr. Cracker from contract consideration based on the plaintiff's Caucasian race."

In a telephone interview, Snack told our Cats With Thumbs Atlanta reporter: "The rap majority is always tryin' to keep the white man down. Seen Eminem around lately? It's a conspiracy - I can rap, I just ain't black."

A KillEveryBodyNow Productions spokesperson responded to "Snack Cracker's" allegations at a sit down with Cats With Thumbs Atlanta correspondent: " That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. He didn't get a contract because, frankly, he sucks. Have you listened to any of his stuff? It'll give you an aneurysm. It's like Dr. Seuss meets Frankenstein; I couldn't sell that screeching to an owl farm. He needs to change his name to "Crap-Packer."

CWT has learned that "Snack Cracker's" birth name is Thorton Fitzwilliam III; he is the son of a prominent Atlanta cotton exporter, was dismissed from several private high schools for failure to meet academic requirements, and was charged with misdemeanor assault in 2006 for forcing a group of elementary school children to sing along with his self-produced rap CD at an inner city Atlanta playground. The charges were later dismissed after assurances by his family that they would keep him on a tighter leash.

Cats With Thumbs asked cultural psychologist Petra Squeel to analyze the significance of the "Snack Cracker" lawsuit:

"This is the next logical progression in the phenomenon that is American rap music," Squeel told our CWT reporter; "traditional rap lyrics have a common origin in the black urban experience, but the beat transcends racial boundaries - young adults of all races and creeds becoming sexually active naturally gravitate to dance and the stimulating, persistent rhythm that today's rap provides. It is understandable that Mr. Cracker finds the music attractive, but he has no life experience common to the rap genre origins that lend any authenticity to his performance aspirations. His lawsuit is just an adolescent way of lashing out at his own failure."

The same KillEveryBodyNow Productions spokesperson responded to Ms. Squeel's assessment:

"Whatever - that little Buckhead bullshitter is costing me money. I turn down 20 rappers a day; he's just got daddy's money behind him to make a stink about it. If the little pissant had talent I'd sign him no matter what color he was. I'd sign an Iranian rapper if I thought it would sell, but, hell, they arrest those poor bastards for just thinkin' about rap."

Cats With Thumbs attempted to contact "Snack Cracker" for a response but was informed by the Fitzwilliam family attorney that he is currently in Switzerland undergoing self esteem enhancement and will not be available for comment until the pending lawsuit is adjudicated.