Ku Klux Klan Attempts Makeover, Americans "Unimpressed"

CWT - Aboard the Motor Vessel "Eva Braun" Somewhere in the South Atlantic. In an exclusive interview, exiled Grand Wizard of the White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan Absalom Knib revealed to Cats With Thumbs a long range plan to revamp and revitalize the moribund white supremacist terror organization. Knib told CWT he aims to make the KKK " more user friendly " and " in touch with the younger generation."

The Ku Klux Klan, with its long history of violence, is the most infamous — and oldest — of American hate groups. Although black Americans have typically been the Klan's primary target, it also has attacked Jews, immigrants, homosexuals and, until recently, Catholics. Over the years since it was formed in December 1865, the Klan has typically seen itself as a Christian organization, although in modern times Klan groups are motivated by a variety of theological and political ideologies. Since the 1970s the Klan has been greatly weakened by internal conflicts, court cases, a seemingly endless series of splits and government infiltration. While some factions have preserved an openly racist and militant approach, others have tried to enter the mainstream, cloaking their racism as mere "civil rights for whites." Today, the Southern Poverty Law Center estimates that there are between 5,000 and 8,000 Klan members, split among dozens of different — and often warring — organizations that use the Klan name.

Cats With Thumbs interviewed Mr. Knib aboard ship in the open ocean, as the Grand Wizard is under indictment in the United States for several felonies and has been denied entrance to numerous foreign ports of call.

CWT: Mr. Knib, given that klan membership has drastically declined and you, the leader, are relegated to living on the high seas without a country, wouldn't you agree the Ku Klux Klan is finished?

Knib: Well, it looks bad now, but we're not done yet. I got together with some old pals from Deutsche Bank and we came up with a plan to get us rolling again.

CWT: Incidents of racial and ethnic violence have steadily declined in the U.S. the past 20 years; people as a whole seem to be maturing - how can you expect the klan to make a comeback when hatred is less a part of the American psyche every day?

Knib: Boy, you don't know squat, do you? You think just 'cause nuthin's going "boom" there's no hate? Everybody still hates the same people they always have - we've just been busy. With the economy steamin' along like it has the past few years, everybody's been workin' - not much time left over for cross burnin' and bomb throwin'.

CWT: So you believe the economy has a lot to do with how people view each other? If everyone has a job they don't need to bully or blame someone else for their situation?

Knib: Huh?

CWT: Never mind. What exactly does the klan want to do?

Knib: We want the same things we always have - no Blacks, no Jews, no Catholics, no Gays, and no immigrants in America.

CWT: Well, judging from the decline in klan membership, it doesn't seem like the "we" is a very large number.

Knib: Oh no, you're wrong there. There's just as many good folks out there that hate Blacks, Jews, and Catholics as there ever was; you just don't see'em much. Problem is, the news media and those liberal (expletive deleted) have everyone thinkin' violence is bad for you, like cigarettes or somethin'.

CWT: Uh-huh. If that's the case, how can you expect klan membership to increase?

Knib: I'm glad you asked. We're gonna' start next week with a brand new community outreach drive - you know, get the locals involved. We've already sponsored quite a few Ku Klux Klan Adopt a Highway programs and several counties in Alabama and Georgia now have Klan Scouts of America troops. We'll be having bake sales, covered dish suppers, those sort of things all sponsored at the local level. A real family KKK atmosphere.

CWT: I see. If this plan does not accomplish your goals, would you concede the KKK is a defunct organization and give up your campaign of ethnic terrorism?

Knib: You're nuts - I can wait. So what if nobody gets on board? I can always float around on this tub 'till the economy tanks. Nuthin' like a good recession to get folks good and mad like they oughta' be.