Animal Actors on Strike - Hollywood Scrambles to Find Replacements

CWT - Hollywood. Cats With Thumbs Los Angeles Bureau reports that members of the Professional Animal Workers Society (P.A.W.S.) have staged an industry wide strike to protest low wages, substandard food, and unacceptable housing. P.A.W.S. is believed to represent over 8000 mammals, reptiles, and amphibians working as actors in movies, television, and advertising; CWT was unable to verify the exact membership roll, as none of the P.A.W.S. public relations officers contacted by Cats With Thumbs were able to communicate in a known human dialect.

CWT learned of the unprecedented animal action from a source inside a major advertising firm that specializes in animal theme marketing campaigns. When questioned by Cats With Thumbs, the production assistant was adamant the animal union was on walkout: "We started setting up as usual yesterday morning - we had a cough drop spot to do with a pair of cockatoos and an online dating campaign using a cat & dog couple. None of the animals would cooperate; it's crazy! The cats are scratching anyone who comes near, the dogs won't do squat, the birds have ruined the parking lot, and I won't even tell you about the monkeys."

Cats With Thumbs confirmed earlier today that lists of P.A.W.S. demands were delivered via carrier pigeon to most of the major motion picture, television, and advertising studios in the city. CWT spoke with the CEO of a major Hollywood marketing firm, who asked that his name be withheld due to pending negotiations with the animal union: "We thought it was some kind of prank, what with the writers being on strike; this is just like something those out of work 'Colbert Report' idiots would do - but then we started getting calls from the other firms around town. The Bugs'n Birds Studio over on North Highland was shooting an environmental non-profit spot and 4000 bumble bees took out two forest rangers and a girl scout. I mean, how do you negotiate with angry bees?"

CWT asked a well known Hollywood veterinarian how such a coordinated effort could be accomplished when none of the P.A.W.S. rank and file are able to operate a telephone or keyboard: "Don't be so sure," the vet admonished Cats With Thumbs, "psychologists, veterinarians, and pet owners world wide have long suspected our four legged friends communicate in ways we can't begin to understand." Cats With Thumbs reporters on the scene in Hollywood witnessed what appeared to be well orchestrated action by P.A.W.S. walkouts. Two gerbils and a muskrat were heckled and mocked by a group of striking crows as they attempted to cross the picket line on the set of 'Dr. Doolittle XVI.' Across town, the popular GEICO gecko was chased down a sewer pipe by a mob of cats from the Fresh Step Kitty Litter crew.

An original copy of the P.A.W.S. list of demands obtained by Cats With Thumbs was written in scrawled block print English on a piece of partially shredded newspaper. CWT's original source told our reporter: "We're pretty sure an elephant over at the Travel Channel wrote this. Her handlers believe she knows the alphabet and they suspect she's been sending hate mail to the lion pens for years - management questioned her yesterday, but she's not talking." The P.A.W.S. demands include dressing rooms to replace pens & cages, the same catered meals afforded human actors, and a wage scale equal to that of the Screen Actors Guild (SAG). "I don't see how we can meet these," an industry executive told CWT in confidence; "the laws in place set strict guidelines for what each animal, er, actor is to be fed. Hell, if it was up to me, they could sit next to Mel Gibson and wolf down all the caeser salad and tuna tar-tar they could handle. How am I going to build a dressing room for a hippopotamus? As for getting SAG wages, well, OK, but they don't have bank accounts - they don't have Social Security Cards, they don't even have fingerprints!"

In a show of solidarity with their more famous comrades, zoo animals nationwide refused to come out of their enclosures, make endearing gestures, play with toys, or be otherwise entertaining. The only exceptions seemed to be aquarium dolphins and porpoises - CWT's veterinarian contact believes, "the striking animal actors won't hold that against them; it's common knowledge dolphins are not natural complainers."