Aliens Make Contact, Request "No Further Communication"

CWT - Hat Creek, CA. A confidential Cats With Thumbs source at the SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) Allen Telescope Array confirmed to our reporter several messages originating from at least 25,000 light years away were received on December 18, 2007 at the Hat Creek monitoring station and verified by SETI scientists at the University of California, Berkley:

" This should have been a red-letter day for SETI and the Nation," our source confided on condition he remain anonymous; " instead, we finally hear from intelligent beings outside our solar system and they tell us to stop bothering them. To put it bluntly, they think we're crackpots."

The SETI mission, according to their website " is a passive experiment, designed only to look for signals, not to send them. However, humankind has been unintentionally transmitting signals into space - primarily high-frequency radio, television, and radar - for more than fifty years. Our earliest TV broadcasts have reached several thousand nearby stars, although any alien viewers would have to build a very large antenna (thousands of acres in size) to detect them." Our source at the Allen Telescope Array believes " that's the problem. We've spent millions on equipment to listen for alien broadcasts, but we don't send any messages - now our first received message from an intelligent species indicates they have been receiving American cable TV for 10 years and they are not happy about it."

According to our source, the communication was received " in plain English, with no need for decoding - apparently phonetics is not a big hurdle for them. " A transcript of the interstellar message obtained by Cats With Thumbs contains no threatening overtones or warning of consequences, but states, " while we appreciate your efforts to reach out to your neighbors, we politely request you cease attempts at communication and dialogue with our civilization." It is evident from the language and references contained in the message that United States cable television signals were the only broadcasts from earth received by our " space neighbors." The informant inside SETI lamented, " What are they supposed to think? They don't get a broadcast of the constitution, the U.N. charter, or Save the Children because our policy is not to send messages, just sit around and listen for them. Evidently the cable TV signals flying off into space are the easiest for them to receive, and unfortunately the most useless programming has the strongest signal. We have succeeded in convincing an intelligent civilization outside our solar system that we are galactic nimrods."

The content of this first contact with another intelligent species seems to bear out our source's concerns. From the message transcript:

" While we make no judgement on the effectiveness, or lack thereof, of your method of governance, the policy of publicly berating the citizenry as practiced by your leader, Simon Cowell, is contrary to our inclusive and benign sensibilities - we would prefer you refrain from transmitting further examples to us."

Other references in the communication leave little doubt the alien entities believe the cable television signals they received were intentionally transmitted and crafted purposely to represent the meaningful aspects of American life:

" Furthermore, your governing council seems preoccupied with individual family disagreements and various reproductive methods - while our civilization in no way discounts these concerns, our particular priorities focus on the economic and physical well being of our citizens. We would greatly appreciate your discontinuing broadcasts of said council meetings - particularly tiresome to us are the constant references to 'my baby's daddy' and 'in-laws from hell.' "

CWT's SETI contact told our reporter, " We're scrambling to put together a more appropriate representation of our nation and transmit it to our new found friends; but we don't know if they will receive it - we're probably on their version of a 'do not call' list by now. Also, we pinpointed the spot in space from where this message was transmitted, but there is nothing there; some method of masking the original transmission point was employed - apparently their technology is quite advanced and they have no desire for us to track them down and eventually pay them a visit."

The "message from the stars" contains no overtly derogatory opinion of the American system as understood by whoever sent it, but it is clear from the transcript the television signals received by the first known intelligence outside our solar system did little to impress:

"From the messages you have been transmitting to us, we understand it is important to your culture to 'be at a good place with yourself' and obtain public counseling for intimate affairs. This concept is particularly unsettling to us and is incompatible with our civilization's concept of privacy and family decorum - again, we pass no judgement on your practice of revealing embarrassing flaws to strangers, but we would be very grateful if you would cease subjecting us to the daily broadcasts."

Although unintentional, it appears several of the television transmissions received by the intelligent beings beyond our galaxy are tantamount to profanity and racial slurs in their culture:

"We are a civilization based on numerical values - we realize, of course, that you had no way of knowing, but the values represented by your numerical '19.99' are particularly offensive to us; the translation in our communication refers to a sexual act with livestock that involves one's family members and food preparation utensils. We urgently request no further transmission."

The message concluded with an a final request to " please discontinue all transmission from the United States," and a request that someone in authority contact the country of Iceland, as the newly discovered intelligent beings believe, " they are a people we would like to get to know."