Pope to Convert, Join Southern Baptists - Vatican "Dumbfounded"

CWT-Vatican City. Cats with Thumbs Italian station reports Pope Benedict XVI will announce his resignation from the papacy and conversion to the Southern Baptist religion - sources inside the Vatican say Pope Benedict will make a public resignation Wednesday during the scheduled 10:00AM Papal Audience at St. Peter's square. The Vatican press office would neither confirm nor deny the report when asked for an explanation by CWT reporters - several Cardinals, speaking on condition their names be withheld, said they were " shocked, dismayed, and, dumbfounded " at the news. " We just put that whole 'priests and child abuse mess' behind us, and now this," lamented one distraught bishop, " I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph; it's one thing after another!"

CWT sources at the Vatican could give no definitive reason for Pope Benedict's decision. " I think he's been a little miffed at the lack of press coverage," offered a member of the Vatican Swiss Guard;
" Pope John Paul II was a hard act to follow - he survived an assassination attempt, helped bring down the Soviet regime; who's going to top that?" A gift shop employee for 20 years at the Vatican agrees:" When John Paul was Pope we couldn't keep the shelves full - Pope T-shirts, Pope coffee mugs, Pope soap, you name it; if it had John Paul II on it, the tourists couldn't get enough of it. These days we move a few rosaries, a box or two of votive candles, maybe a St. Christopher medal now and then - nothing like the John Paul boom."

If Pope Benedict XVI resigns as reported, he will be only the fifth pope to abdicate in the 2000 year history of the papacy. Born Joseph Alois Ratzinger 16 April 1927, he is the 265th and reigning Pope, the spiritual head of the Catholic Church, and as such, Sovereign of the Vatican City State. He succeeded Pope John Paul II, who died on 2 April 2005 (and with whom he had worked before the Sede vacante). His abdication of office will require the Vatican College of Cardinals to meet in a special Papal Conclave to elect his successor.

Pope Benedict's reported conversion to the Southern Baptist religion was cause for much consternation and speculation among the Catholic faithful contacted by Cats with Thumbs." Well, I hate to see him go, but I can't say I don't empathise with him a little, " said a self-proclaimed "Christmas & Easter Catholic" interviewed by CWT outside St. Peter's Basilica. " He's probably just getting tired; we Catholics get a lot of exercise during mass - kneel down, stand up, genuflect, kneel down again - it can wear out even the occasional churchgoer, so I imagine the Pope would like to just sit still for a year or two." Others believe Pope Benedict's reported frustration at his failure to make headlines led him to choose the Southern Baptists. " I know the Pope is a big fan of Billy Graham, and that guy was on T.V. every week,"
a steward in the Pope's private residence told CWT in confidence;
" Pope Benedict hates having to get decorated like a Mardi Gras float every time he goes out. His Holiness really likes that Joel Osteen fellow, too; he thinks he's a snappy dresser."

CWT has learned several American religious television networks have contacted Pope Benedict with offers to develop weekly spiritual "televangelist" style programs. Among the titles being considered are "Hope from the Pope," " Down from the Mountaintop," and " The Joe Ratzinger Hour of Power."

Unfortunately, a Personal Note

Our great friend Grandpa passed away this morning. We found him wandering around the neighborhood in May; fur in patches, way underweight, with severe back and allergy problems. He's been to our vet at least one day a week since we found him - steroids, clavamox, baytril, elavil, etc . . . We took him in Friday for another short term steroid injection; this morning he developed severe respiratory problems - we rushed him to the vet but he was gone soon after we got there. He was a fighter and wanted to live.
I promised myself I would not make this blog a personal diary or a "touchy-feely" narrative, but he was my friend, he was dealt a rotten hand, and he deserves a spot in the limelight. Say a goodbye prayer for Grandpa, if you would - I miss him terribly.

New Study Confirms Cats Consider Humans Inferior

CWT - Boston. A three year study of feline behavior conducted by the American Veterinary Medical Consortium and the Winnt Foundation found that cats view people as little more than a necessary aggravation. " We finally have verifiable proof of what cat owners have long suspected," said Dr. Cyril Groom, the lead research analyst participating in the study; " the methodology for the study was comprehensive and the results were reproduced multiple times in hundreds of trials - feline psychological and emotional responses to human beings are the same as those for litter boxes, other cats, and noisy squirrels."


Dr. Groom added, " We determined what we have traditionally labeled 'feline aloofness' can be attributed to ' feline physiological inadequacy syndrome.' In layman's terms, cats are aware of their physical limitations and are, by and large, not happy about them. Cats resent having to depend on human beings for everyday tasks they believe they could accomplish more efficiently if they were only taller, had thumbs, and had access to computers. Observable manifestations of this syndrome are not responding when called, indifference to human affection, knocking small objects from elevated furniture, running for no apparent reason, and an aversion to closed doors."

CWT obtained a preliminary copy of the report and asked a focus group of cat owners for their reactions. "Well, no kidding," said Melva Thim, owner of two cats; " they needed a three year study to figure that out?" Feldman Snee has had his thirteen pound tabby for 11 years and also believes the study was a waste of time: " Three years of watchin' cats? What'd that cost, a million dollars? They could have paid me a thousand and I would have saved them a lotta trouble. I' been sayin' for years that if this fat furball ever figures out how to use the can opener and my credit cards, I'm done for."

Dr Groom advises cat owners, " to be aware that cats are, by nature, solitary animals. Housecats feel ashamed that they have become used to free food, warm blankets, and subsidized health care. This is not to say they do not enjoy the attention and creature comforts humans provide, but most cats would be just as content, if not more so, if they could obtain the wealth of perks humanity has to offer without human beings invading their space."

Dalai Lama Wins Powerball Lottery

CWT-Dharamsala, India. CWT's Asian Bureau reports reliable sources have confirmed His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama holds a winning United States Powerball Lottery ticket. A spokesman for The Office of His Holiness the Dalai Lama (OHHDL), known in Tibetan as Kuger Yigtsang, informed CWT that the winning ticket for 338 million USD was purchased in October by an American admirer of the Dalai Lama and mailed to His Holiness in a Christmas card. " His Holiness makes every effort to read and respond to all correspondence, " said the official, " but over the holiday season we received so many cards and letters it became impossible to keep up - this one just slipped through the cracks until yesterday."




CWT has learned the winning ticket was purchased and mailed by Virgil Lempert of Quinine, West Virginia. Friends of Mr. Lempert say he was " very impressed " with the Dalai Lama when he watched the broadcast of His Holiness receiving the Congressional Gold Medal in October. According to Mr. Lempert's mother, Angel Lempert-McGillicutty, her son "has never been real religious, but he likes the television." Mr. Lempert is currently incarcerated at the Clamp County, West Virginia Detention Center awaiting trial for several animal husbandry violations - he was unavailable for comment. A West Virginia State Lottery official, who asked that his name be withheld "out of respect for The Lama," told CWT he has been in contact with the Dalai Lama and reports His Holiness " is pleased as punch with this wonderful surprise and is willing to do whatever he can to help Mr. Lempert work through his unfortunate livestock situation."


Indian government sources in Dharamsala told CWT the Dalai Lama is currently negotiating with the Chinese government to purchase Tibet. According to an Indian Foreign Service officer close to the situation, " the Chinese don't really want Tibet, anyway. They wandered in there 50 years ago, killed 100,000 peaceful Tibetans, and have been stuck there ever since. This Powerball Godsend will allow the Chinese to save face and give the Tibetans their country back."



It is unknown at this time if the Chinese will accept the one-time Powerball lump sum payment or opt for the 20 year annuity payout.

Wal-Mart to Buy Iraq?

CWT - Bentonville, AR. Confidential Cats with Thumbs sources close to Wal-Mart corporation senior management report that the retailing giant has tendered a multi-billion dollar offer for the country of Iraq; negotiations are said to be " in the final stages," and could be completed as early as January, 2008.

Wal-Mart has expanded it's global reach at a record pace over the past decade, opening hundreds of outlets in Mexico, South America, China, and Japan. Tillman Bond, CWT's financial analyst, believes "owning a country outright is the next logical step for Wal-Mart. The initial capital expenditure will be huge, but given the tremendous savings they will see in reduced labor costs, regulatory compliance, and taxes, the country ownership model could show a profit in as little as three to five years." Other financial professionals, speaking off the record, were unsure if Wal-Mart could finalize the deal; " who are they going to buy it from?, " a Goldman Sachs broker asked, " it's not as if there is a title somewhere to take to the closing."

CWT's Wal-Mart sources report that both United States and Iraqi government officials have been involved " at every stage of the negotiation process." If the sale goes through, the United States would be relieved of the huge cost in lives & money, as policing Iraq would become Wal-Mart's responsibility. CWT reporters on the ground say Iraq is looking favorably at the proposal; Wal-Mart has promised Iraqi officials management positions at their choice of stores and agreed to hire thousands of unemployed Iraqis as greeters at new border checkpoints. CWT spoke with rival Sunni and Shiite militants; both sides agree a Wal-Mart takeover would be a boon to the country and look forward to buying quality American made firearms and ammunition at everyday low prices.

CWT insiders say Wal-Mart was considering "Wahabbi-Mart" for it's Iraq outlets, but settled on " Wadi-Mart " to avoid any political or religious backlash.

Putin Declared "Tsar of All the Christmases"

CWT-Moscow. Vladimir Putin, fresh from his successful orchestration of Russia's latest power shuffle, was awarded yet another title, " Tsar of All the Christmases," at a special assembly of the Russian Parliament. Russia's newly elected (?) President, Dmitry Medvedev, presided over the ceremony, presenting Putin with a jewel-encrusted fur cap embroidered in gold with the title " Vlad the Claus " on the brim. Duma members rose in unison and applauded as a beaming Putin declared, " now Christmas is the law."

Only last week, Putin, prevented from seeking another term as President by the Russian constitution, successfully manipulated his United Russia party protege' and longtime ally Medvedev into Russia's highest office - Medvedev immediately returned the favor and appointed Putin Prime Minister. Veteran Kremlin watchers threw up their hands in disgust when news of Putin's Christmas coup was announced. " What's next," moaned a German reporter, who asked that his name be withheld, " Minister of the New Year? He has the media, the military, the government, energy, and now Christmas - might as well give him the calendar, too."

Even before the award ceremony adjourned, hundreds of Russian FSB (formerly KGB) officers fanned out across the countryside to enforce the Christmas spirit. "I almost had a heart attack," exclaimed Olga Semonova, an 80 year old grandmother living on the outskirts of Moscow. " I survived Stalin huddled in this house terrified the Chekists would come and take me. This morning two FSB thugs in Santa hats almost beat down the door, hand me a metal Christmas tree, and tell me I have to go to church and be jolly or they'll be back. Nothing ever changes!"

Lev Abramovich watched the Duma ceremony on a big screen TV in Moscow's subway. " If he grabs Chanukah next year, I'm moving to Tel Aviv."

Santa Goes Green for Bad Boys and Girls

CWT - North Pole. At a hastily called press conference this morning, lawyers for Claus, Blitzen, and Rudolph, L.L.C. revealed that company president and CEO Santa Claus has bowed to pressure from a number of environmental groups and will no longer be placing lumps of coal in the Christmas stockings of bad children. Reading from a prepared statement, attorney Garland Wreath delivered the news: "After last year's lawsuit by People Interested in Starting Something Asinine, Negative, and Trivial (P.I.S.S.A.N.T.) and the subsequent appellate ruling prohibiting us from delivering the traditional bundle of switches, we felt it would be best for the corporation and Mr. Claus to agree to the request from the political action organization Deliver Us from Holidays (D.U.H.) that we no longer deliver the traditional lumps of coal to the homes of behaviorally challenged minors."


CWT has obtained an internal corporate memo from Claus, Blitzen, and Rudolph documenting the search for an "evironmentally friendly" lump of coal replacement - flourescent light bulbs, tofu-canes, bulgar wheat wafers, and rocks were listed in the memo as possible coal alternatives. The memo also reveals that, due to another pending lawsuit, the entire coal replacement effort may be a useless, if well-meaning, endeavor. A California educators coalition, Teaching Without Interfering with Teen Society (T.W.I.T.S.), has filed a motion with the Kringle County Superior Court requesting that Claus, Blitzen, and Rudolph be restrained from "making a list," "checking it twice," and attempting to assertain "who has been naughty or nice."






A T.W.I.T.S. spokesperson, who wishes to remain anonymous, told CWT that"children of today have evolved beyond the concepts of 'good and bad,' 'naughty and nice;' we need to move away from antiquated traditions and embrace the reality that behavior we deem negative stems from our insistence that our children adhere to social norms that may be detrimental to their self esteem."



When asked to comment on the T.W.I.T.S. filing, attorney Wreath would only say it would be dealt with "as soon as possible, but probably not until after the holidays, given our current battle to prevent Xmasoft's hostile bid for Claus, Blitzen, and Rudolph."