CWT - North Pole. At a hastily called press conference this morning, lawyers for Claus, Blitzen, and Rudolph, L.L.C. revealed that company president and CEO Santa Claus has bowed to pressure from a number of environmental groups and will no longer be placing lumps of coal in the Christmas stockings of bad children. Reading from a prepared statement, attorney Garland Wreath delivered the news: "After last year's lawsuit by People Interested in Starting Something Asinine, Negative, and Trivial (P.I.S.S.A.N.T.) and the subsequent appellate ruling prohibiting us from delivering the traditional bundle of switches, we felt it would be best for the corporation and Mr. Claus to agree to the request from the political action organization Deliver Us from Holidays (D.U.H.) that we no longer deliver the traditional lumps of coal to the homes of behaviorally challenged minors."
CWT has obtained an internal corporate memo from Claus, Blitzen, and Rudolph documenting the search for an "evironmentally friendly" lump of coal replacement - flourescent light bulbs, tofu-canes, bulgar wheat wafers, and rocks were listed in the memo as possible coal alternatives. The memo also reveals that, due to another pending lawsuit, the entire coal replacement effort may be a useless, if well-meaning, endeavor. A California educators coalition, Teaching Without Interfering with Teen Society (T.W.I.T.S.), has filed a motion with the Kringle County Superior Court requesting that Claus, Blitzen, and Rudolph be restrained from "making a list," "checking it twice," and attempting to assertain "who has been naughty or nice."
A T.W.I.T.S. spokesperson, who wishes to remain anonymous, told CWT that"children of today have evolved beyond the concepts of 'good and bad,' 'naughty and nice;' we need to move away from antiquated traditions and embrace the reality that behavior we deem negative stems from our insistence that our children adhere to social norms that may be detrimental to their self esteem."
When asked to comment on the T.W.I.T.S. filing, attorney Wreath would only say it would be dealt with "as soon as possible, but probably not until after the holidays, given our current battle to prevent Xmasoft's hostile bid for Claus, Blitzen, and Rudolph."
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