Pope to Convert, Join Southern Baptists - Vatican "Dumbfounded"

CWT-Vatican City. Cats with Thumbs Italian station reports Pope Benedict XVI will announce his resignation from the papacy and conversion to the Southern Baptist religion - sources inside the Vatican say Pope Benedict will make a public resignation Wednesday during the scheduled 10:00AM Papal Audience at St. Peter's square. The Vatican press office would neither confirm nor deny the report when asked for an explanation by CWT reporters - several Cardinals, speaking on condition their names be withheld, said they were " shocked, dismayed, and, dumbfounded " at the news. " We just put that whole 'priests and child abuse mess' behind us, and now this," lamented one distraught bishop, " I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph; it's one thing after another!"

CWT sources at the Vatican could give no definitive reason for Pope Benedict's decision. " I think he's been a little miffed at the lack of press coverage," offered a member of the Vatican Swiss Guard;
" Pope John Paul II was a hard act to follow - he survived an assassination attempt, helped bring down the Soviet regime; who's going to top that?" A gift shop employee for 20 years at the Vatican agrees:" When John Paul was Pope we couldn't keep the shelves full - Pope T-shirts, Pope coffee mugs, Pope soap, you name it; if it had John Paul II on it, the tourists couldn't get enough of it. These days we move a few rosaries, a box or two of votive candles, maybe a St. Christopher medal now and then - nothing like the John Paul boom."

If Pope Benedict XVI resigns as reported, he will be only the fifth pope to abdicate in the 2000 year history of the papacy. Born Joseph Alois Ratzinger 16 April 1927, he is the 265th and reigning Pope, the spiritual head of the Catholic Church, and as such, Sovereign of the Vatican City State. He succeeded Pope John Paul II, who died on 2 April 2005 (and with whom he had worked before the Sede vacante). His abdication of office will require the Vatican College of Cardinals to meet in a special Papal Conclave to elect his successor.

Pope Benedict's reported conversion to the Southern Baptist religion was cause for much consternation and speculation among the Catholic faithful contacted by Cats with Thumbs." Well, I hate to see him go, but I can't say I don't empathise with him a little, " said a self-proclaimed "Christmas & Easter Catholic" interviewed by CWT outside St. Peter's Basilica. " He's probably just getting tired; we Catholics get a lot of exercise during mass - kneel down, stand up, genuflect, kneel down again - it can wear out even the occasional churchgoer, so I imagine the Pope would like to just sit still for a year or two." Others believe Pope Benedict's reported frustration at his failure to make headlines led him to choose the Southern Baptists. " I know the Pope is a big fan of Billy Graham, and that guy was on T.V. every week,"
a steward in the Pope's private residence told CWT in confidence;
" Pope Benedict hates having to get decorated like a Mardi Gras float every time he goes out. His Holiness really likes that Joel Osteen fellow, too; he thinks he's a snappy dresser."

CWT has learned several American religious television networks have contacted Pope Benedict with offers to develop weekly spiritual "televangelist" style programs. Among the titles being considered are "Hope from the Pope," " Down from the Mountaintop," and " The Joe Ratzinger Hour of Power."