New Study Confirms Cats Consider Humans Inferior

CWT - Boston. A three year study of feline behavior conducted by the American Veterinary Medical Consortium and the Winnt Foundation found that cats view people as little more than a necessary aggravation. " We finally have verifiable proof of what cat owners have long suspected," said Dr. Cyril Groom, the lead research analyst participating in the study; " the methodology for the study was comprehensive and the results were reproduced multiple times in hundreds of trials - feline psychological and emotional responses to human beings are the same as those for litter boxes, other cats, and noisy squirrels."


Dr. Groom added, " We determined what we have traditionally labeled 'feline aloofness' can be attributed to ' feline physiological inadequacy syndrome.' In layman's terms, cats are aware of their physical limitations and are, by and large, not happy about them. Cats resent having to depend on human beings for everyday tasks they believe they could accomplish more efficiently if they were only taller, had thumbs, and had access to computers. Observable manifestations of this syndrome are not responding when called, indifference to human affection, knocking small objects from elevated furniture, running for no apparent reason, and an aversion to closed doors."

CWT obtained a preliminary copy of the report and asked a focus group of cat owners for their reactions. "Well, no kidding," said Melva Thim, owner of two cats; " they needed a three year study to figure that out?" Feldman Snee has had his thirteen pound tabby for 11 years and also believes the study was a waste of time: " Three years of watchin' cats? What'd that cost, a million dollars? They could have paid me a thousand and I would have saved them a lotta trouble. I' been sayin' for years that if this fat furball ever figures out how to use the can opener and my credit cards, I'm done for."

Dr Groom advises cat owners, " to be aware that cats are, by nature, solitary animals. Housecats feel ashamed that they have become used to free food, warm blankets, and subsidized health care. This is not to say they do not enjoy the attention and creature comforts humans provide, but most cats would be just as content, if not more so, if they could obtain the wealth of perks humanity has to offer without human beings invading their space."