Cyclists Vow to Defeat Robotic "Bike Basher"


CWT, St. Louis, MO. The powerful  pro-bicycle lobby, Two Wheels Inspiring Tomorrow, announced a "no holds barred" push to block the retail introduction of the "Lane-Changer," a robotic automobile accessory that claims the ability to safely "reposition" slow moving cyclists and clear the road ahead for stalled motor vehicle traffic.

The inventor, Niles Percocet, believes, "the Lane-Changer will be a boon to both cyclists and motorists. Bicycles slowing automobile traffic to a crawl will be safely relocated to the side or shoulder of the road, thereby greatly reducing the chances of a bicycle/automobile collision or frustrated motorists acting out in anger against the slower moving cyclists."


DNA REPORT: Obama has Conservative Gene

CWT, Washington, D.C. A knowledgeable source inside the National Institutes of Health revealed to reporters at CWT's Capitol Bureau the details of a genetic map confirming President Barack Obama has the recently identified "conservative gene" as part of his unique DNA profile.

"When the liberal gene was identified in 2010, we logically assumed there would be a corresponding conservative marker," our source, requesting complete anonymity,  reported to CWT; "When we began our search for the conservative gene, we did not request blood samples from the President, nor did we know his blood was in the control group. Had someone - and we don't know who - not left a flash drive activated on a common terminal, we never would have found out."

The "liberal gene" made headlines in late 2010, and was reported in the October '10 issue of Science Daily:

ScienceDaily (Oct. 28, 2010)Liberals may owe their political outlook partly to their genetic make-up, according to new research from the University of California, San Diego, and Harvard University. Ideology is affected not just by social factors, but also by a dopamine receptor gene called DRD4. The study's authors say this is the first research to identify a specific gene that predisposes people to certain political views.

Repeated calls from CWT staffers requesting confirmation of the report remain unreturned by The National Institutes of Health.  When asked by CWT's Capitol correspondent why he chose to come forward with evidence of the newly discovered conservative gene in President Obama's DNA, our source responded:
"Who ordered the President's blood to be tested for conservative tendencies? Who left his identity open on a common computer? That's no coincidence by any stretch of the imagination, so I decided to go public with the information."


The Bahamas has the Bomb

CWT, Miami. A confidential CWT source inside the Bahamian Defense Ministry claims that country is now in possession of a fully operational medium range nuclear ballistic missile. The source, who requests his identity be withheld, says the weapon was offloaded under cover of darkness at the cargo terminal in Freeport, Grand Bahama Island, and currently remains in the bulk freight terminal while the government searches for enough willing workers to move it. The Bahamas has no army or air force; the defense of the country is the responsibility of the The Royal Bahamas Defense Force, consisting only of the Bahamian Navy - as the missile is a land based mobile surface to surface weapon, our source reports intense finger pointing and recriminations among government officials responsible for the acquisition.


Immigrant Catapult Stymies U.S. Border Patrol

CWT, Along the Rio Grande, Texas. A month long on-site investigation by Cats With Thumbs field reporters confirms illegal immigrants from Mexico are being launched over the border in increasing numbers by a massive catapult. U.S. Border Patrol agents on location along the Texas-Mexico border have dubbed the device "Jose Cuer-throw" and are at a loss for an effective countermeasure. "Beats anything I've ever seen," a confidential Border Patrol contact told our CWT reporter at the scene; "one minute you're minding your own business walking the fence line, next thing you know a family of four comes sailing overhead at better than 80 miles an hour. By the time we get to where we think they should have landed, they are long gone."

Aliens Make Contact, Request "No Further Communication"

CWT - Hat Creek, CA. A confidential Cats With Thumbs source at the SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) Allen Telescope Array confirmed to our reporter several messages originating from at least 25,000 light years away were received on June 2, 2010 at the Hat Creek monitoring station and verified by SETI scientists at the University of California, Berkley:


" This should have been a red-letter day for SETI and the Nation," our source confided on condition he remain anonymous; " instead, we finally hear from intelligent beings outside our solar system and they tell us to stop bothering them. To put it bluntly, they think we're crackpots."

Canada to Annex North Dakota, Residents "Quite Pleased"

CWT - Bismark, ND. Cats With Thumbs midwest affilate reports year long secret negotiations between the U.S. & Canada are in the " final stages, " and the U.S. State of North Dakota is expected to become the 11th Canadian Province before the end of 2010. If the annexation proceeds as planned, it will be the first peaceful reduction of United States continental territory and the first and only U.S. State to be sold to another country. The Canadian Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade refused official comment when asked for verification by CWT reporters on location in Ottawa. A Canadian Foreign Affairs official told Cats With Thumbs off the record:
" We couldn't be happier - as you are no doubt aware, Canada is seldom at the forefront of global media interest and the country as a whole has been in a rather grumpy malaise for quite some time. This acquisition from the United States makes us a player again in the world news cycle and gives Canadians a small sense of victory over our mighty neighbor to the south."

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