CWT, Miami. A confidential CWT source inside the Bahamian Defense Ministry claims that country is now in possession of a fully operational medium range nuclear ballistic missile. The source, who requests his identity be withheld, says the weapon was offloaded under cover of darkness at the cargo terminal in Freeport, Grand Bahama Island, and currently remains in the bulk freight terminal while the government searches for enough willing workers to move it. The Bahamas has no army or air force; the defense of the country is the responsibility of the The Royal Bahamas Defense Force, consisting only of the Bahamian Navy - as the missile is a land based mobile surface to surface weapon, our source reports intense finger pointing and recriminations among government officials responsible for the acquisition.
CWT, Along the Rio Grande, Texas. A month long on-site investigation by Cats With Thumbs field reporters confirms illegal immigrants from Mexico are being launched over the border in increasing numbers by a massive catapult. U.S. Border Patrol agents on location along the Texas-Mexico border have dubbed the device "Jose Cuer-throw" and are at a loss for an effective countermeasure. "Beats anything I've ever seen," a confidential Border Patrol contact told our CWT reporter at the scene; "one minute you're minding your own business walking the fence line, next thing you know a family of four comes sailing overhead at better than 80 miles an hour. By the time we get to where we think they should have landed, they are long gone."
CWT - Hat Creek, CA. A confidential Cats With Thumbs source at the SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) Allen Telescope Array confirmed to our reporter several messages originating from at least 25,000 light years away were received on June 2, 2010 at the Hat Creek monitoring station and verified by SETI scientists at the University of California, Berkley:
CWT - Bismark, ND. Cats With Thumbs midwest affilate reports year long secret negotiations between the U.S. & Canada are in the " final stages, " and the U.S. State of North Dakota is expected to become the 11th Canadian Province before the end of 2010. If the annexation proceeds as planned, it will be the first peaceful reduction of United States continental territory and the first and only U.S. State to be sold to another country. The Canadian Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade refused official comment when asked for verification by CWT reporters on location in Ottawa. A Canadian Foreign Affairs official told Cats With Thumbs off the record:
" We couldn't be happier - as you are no doubt aware, Canada is seldom at the forefront of global media interest and the country as a whole has been in a rather grumpy malaise for quite some time. This acquisition from the United States makes us a player again in the world news cycle and gives Canadians a small sense of victory over our mighty neighbor to the south."